bored: my life

bored: my life: "i am so bored and for some reason depressed and feel like i wanna cry. dont know why. i started a diet 2 days ago. grace took a picture of m..."

my life

i am so bored and for some reason depressed and feel like i wanna cry. dont know why. i started a diet 2 days ago. grace took a picture of me with my phone the other day. i looked at the picture and realized i have gained alot more weight that i thought. instead of 15 lbs it looks more like 20-25. fuck. i cant get up to 322 again. i wont let that happen. i'm sure im up to 300 now as it is. i really hate to admit that. thats not helping my health any. my heart. my bad feet. my breathing. it stops me from doing anything. walking, even just household chores are a task in it self. i am so sick of having something always wrong with me. i have had a cold for over a week now. my feet hurt daily. i cant breathe sometimes. i am depressed all the time. crying like a baby over any and everything. i dropped own to part time at work because i cant handle the stress of it. physically and emotionally. i get so angry with the customers. i just want to hit them. thats not normal. is it? i am getting really forgetful. im tired everyday all day long. sometimes i sleep up to 20 hours a day. i just dont know what to do with myself anymore. sometimes im too tired to go out with my friends. me and ken didnt go to the movies last week because i knew i would fall asleep during it. i was that tired. im just sick of being sick. i am 33 years old and feel 73. wtf? this is no life for me. or my daughter. i cant even do things with her because of these issues. its hard on me. i now have 2 leaky heart valves. i may have to have open heart surgery in a couple years from now. AGAIN. what am i gonna be like in 20 years? maybe if i lose some weight ill feel better. i know that wont cure me, but it may help. well enough of my babbling for now. ill be back later im sure.